


South Side Fairytale

by LeeJean



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Ian Gallagher, Canon Compliant, Diary/Journal, M/M, Married Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27281872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeJean/pseuds/LeeJean
Summary: Maybe Ian and Mickey don’t talk things out as much as they should.  They leave things left unsaid, which leads to misunderstandings.Ian takes a step to change that.Excerpt:I’ve loved Mickey all along.  Maybe since the tire iron.  Definitely since Kash shot him.  But I still don’t love myself enough to be the person he needs me to be.
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 3
Kudos: 127





	South Side Fairytale

**Author's Note:**

> Ian’s journal starts out between seasons 5 and 6, and follows canon from there.
> 
> Disclaimer 1. I am not bipolar. Ian’s thoughts and struggles with being bipolar come from extrapolation of the show and my own experiences dealing with my mental health. I hope I do Ian justice.
> 
> Disclaimer 2. I’m a sad, poor Canadian still waiting for season 10 to come to Netflix. I know the general gist of what happens (thanks YouTube videos), but I apologize if anything from that season feels off.
> 
> Not beta read.

Ian lays on his side on the bed, watching Mickey tie up his boots. He’s still processing that Mickey is here, in Ian’s childhood bedroom.That they’re back to playing house, like when they were teenagers.It’s almost as if no time’s gone by.

“You take your meds?Need me to get you a Gatorade on my way out?” Mickey asks as he stands up.Ok, so time has gone by.Ian’s healthy, feeling better than he has in a long time, which is something new in his relationship with Mickey.

“Nah, I’m just about to get up and get something to eat.I’ll take them then.”

Mickey smiles.Doesn’t push, doesn’t say he’ll stay and watch.Just smiles, and leans down, pressing a kiss to Ian’s forehead.Something else that’s new - tender gestures from Mickey, for no apparent reason.Not to get his way, or to prove to Ian that he cares.Just because. 

“Hey, Mick?” Ian says, halting Mickey’s progress out the door.“Can I show you something?”

“Can you make it quick?I don’t wanna be late.”

“Yeah.”Ian goes to the closet, digs around under some old clothes, until he finds a worn notebook.“I want you to see this.”

“Ok,” Mickey says, glancing at the book and then up at Ian. “What the fuck is it?”

“It’s...well, it’s kind of a journal that the shrink asked me to keep, when I first tried to commit to the bipolar meds.I was supposed to jot down thoughts after my sessions.And I kept it up a bit, afterwards; wrote stuff down when my mind got too full.”

Mickey’s eyes widen and his eyebrows arch up.“Holy shit.Are you sure you want to give me this?”

“Yeah.No.Yeah.”Ian laughs.“I don’t know.”

“Look, Red.This isn’t something you should be doing if you’re not a hundred percent sure.”Mickey thrusts the notebook forward, jabbing Ian in the chest.

Ian wraps his fingers around Mickey’s hands, shoves them gently back towards him.“I’m sure. I just...I never read any of the entries myself, after I wrote them.”Ian shakes his head.“Some might sound pretty crazy.”

“You were never crazy, Ian.”

“There’s people who’d beg to differ.”

“Acting crazy don’t make you crazy.You’re not your diagnosis.”

Other people have said that to Ian.But he’s never felt like they meant it.Not really.Not in the long run. They WANTED to mean it, and sometimes that was enough, at least for a while.Mickey means it.He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t.Mickey’s not one for platitudes or empty comforts. 

“You sure?” Mickey checks again, hugging the book to his chest.“I mean, will I even be able to understand all the squiggly lines on the paper?”

“Get going before you are late for work,” Ian says with a laugh.“But hey, if you can’t sound out some of the bigger words, I’m sure Liam would be more than happy to help.”

Mickey shoves Ian back on the bed, and gives him the middle finger on the way out the door.It’s weird, how that casual, familiar gesture eases Ian’s fears.He’s done the right thing, trusting Mickey with the notebook.He wants Mickey to have this small glimpse into his mind, when it’s fractured and when it’s whole.

******

_** Session 1 ** _

_ Who am I? _

_ WHO THE FUCK AM I? _

_———_

_** Session 2 ** _

_ Ian Gallagher _

_ Ian Clayton Gallagher _

_ Son of Monica and  ~~Frank Gallagher ~~ some fucking Gallagher brother. _

_ Brother to Lip, Fiona, Debs, Carl, and Liam. _

_ Born May 9, 1996. _

_ That’s who I am. What more can I tell you? _

_———_

_** Session 3 ** _

_ The truth is, I don’t know who I am. _

_ How can I, when I’m one step above being a fucking robot? _

_ I used to feel happy.Free. ALIVE.I used to see people I loved, and their faces would bring me joy. _

_ Was that real?If I can never get back there, to feel like that again, to be that person again, was it even real?Was HE real?That Ian seems like someone I watched through a window, not me.He seems unattainable. _

_ So who am I?Fucked if I know.Maybe the real question is, will anyone still want me around, if I can’t find my way back to being him? _

_———_

_** Session 4 ** _

_ Fuck this, I’m done. I’m not coming back for any more therapy.It’s not helping. Nothing’s helping.I’m so fucking sick of it all. _

_ Everyone’s either staring at me, all sad, with pity in their eyes, or they’re furious and screaming at me.Like I want to be like this.Like I have a choice in the matter. _

_ You don’t think I miss who I used to be?But I need to figure out who I’m going to be, because I’ve got a lot of fucking years ahead of me, and I don’t want to feel like this for them all. _

_ Fuck this. I’m done. _

_ ——— _

_ I saw Mickey in prison today. _

_ That fucking tattoo.Right over his heart.  _

_ A permanent reminder, another scar from our fucked up time together.There are too many scars between us. Too many things left unsaid and confidences broken.  _

_ It’s misspelled.Imperfect and damaged, just like us. Just like our relationship. _

_ He thinks I’m someone I’m not.He’s in love with someone who no longer exists. _

_ ——— _

_ I don’t know who I am, but I know who I’m not. _

_ I’m not Monica. I’m not my mother.I’m not. _

_ ——— _

_ I thought Lip was my best friend. But he went to college, made new friends, got along fine without me. _

_ He’s kind of a dick now.He’s better than me, and he knows it.He lets me know it. _

_ Turns out my best friend was a loud mouth South Side criminal with anger management issues. _

_ When the fuck did that happen? _

_ ——— _

_ Sometimes I look in the mirror, or catch my reflection in the window, and I don’t recognize myself. _

_ I’m a walking shell. _

_ Who am I?It’s not just the inside I don’t recognize anymore, it’s the outside too.  _

_ ——— _

_ What if I’m never happy again? _

_ I have these memories of being happy.I can see myself in them, and know I was happy.  _

_ But the actual feeling, of being happy?  _

_ That’s been elusive as fuck for a very long time. _

_ ——— _

_ I nearly died last night. _

_ Ok, that may be a little dramatic.But I pulled a lady from a fire last night, and passed out from smoke inhalation. _

_ A firefighter saved me. _

_ I’m taking them cookies.They deserve it.They’re heroes. _

_ Fiona thinks I’m acting crazy again.She’s wrong.  _

_ I feel good.I feel more alive than ever.I feel like I have purpose again. _

_ ——— _

_ I went on a date. A real date, in a restaurant, with food and conversation and no banging. With a firefighter named Caleb. _

_ It didn’t go well.But I did it. _

_ I don’t want this to turn into some Debbie-type Dear Diary shit.“Dear Diary, I’m seeing the cutest guy with beautiful brown eyes and broad sexy shoulders.” _

_ But I’ve realized just how far from normal my upbringing was. _

_ Being normal might be nice for a change. _

_ I didn’t need to get acquainted with my first boyfriend. We grew up together.I was best friends with his sister.We knew all the ‘get to know you’ stuff from the time we could walk and talk.Hell, we knew every inch of each other’s bodies before we were an official couple. _

_ That’s not a bad thing.But it’s not a bad thing to enjoy having more, either.To go on dates.To witness a proper wedding, where the bride and groom are excited to start a new life together.To kiss your boyfriend in the street, not worrying about who sees or what anybody thinks. _

_ It’s not a bad thing to want normal. _

_ ——— _

_ I need to stop comparing everything back to Mick. It’s not fair, to either of us. _

_ ——— _

_ Seeing Mandy again was... _

_ Well, it was what is was.Best not to over analyze. _

_ She looked good. Seemed happy, I guess.  _

_ I told her no judgement, and I meant it. I’ll always be her friend, no matter what.Fuck, I nearly moved a dead body for her. _

_ I’d forgotten how abusive Mandy’s house was.Growing up there must have been terrifying. Way worse than any of Frank and Monica’s bullshit. _

_ And it wasn’t just Mandy that grew up in thathouse, was it? _

_ Fucking Milkoviches.Always taking up prime real estate in my broken head. _

_ ——— _

_ I was an EMT for all of fucking five minutes before being bipolar screwed it up. _

_ But I’m South Side.We fight that shit. _

_ I’m not going to let my affliction run my life.Or ruin my life. _

_ It’s the first time I’ve really owned my diagnosis. And it felt really fucking good. _

———

_ Frank thinks he can sum up my entire existence in two words. _

_ Bipolar queer. _

_ If he’d said that shit a few months ago, I’d probably be back in Cook County, restrained to a bed. _

_ I’ve spent way too long figuring out who I am to be reduced to those two words. _

_ Fuck him. _

_ ——— _

_ Turns out, you can’t trust normal. _

_ All the shit I used to get from my family for being with a criminal.A thug.A worthless piece of trash, fucked for life. _

_ Yeah, well at least I could trust him. I believed in him.He didn’t lie to me.He didn’t hide shit from me.It never bothered me that he’d slept with women, because he didn’t make me feel like a freak that I hadn’t. _

_ I’d take someone who’s violent, vulgar, and forthright over a polite cheat any day. _

_ ——— _

_ The downers leach the joy from everything. Kill my desire to do anything. _

_ I wake up, exhausted, and I can’t wait for nighttime to come.Then night hits, and I can’t wait for the next day.Days can fly by, without me noticing.I’m just passing time - passing it as quickly as possible, waiting for the next day, when I might feel good.Or even a tiny bit better. _

_ I don’t want to take them. But what’s the alternative?Pancakes at 3 am?Blowing guys for money?Hooking up with random strangers to get off for the tenth time that day? _

_ Losing my job.Losing my progress. Losing myself.  _

_ ——— _

_ When things get bad - and I mean really bad, like your junkie mom coming back bad, or watching a patient die in front of you bad - it’s not my family I lean on. _

_ It isn’t Fiona I run to. Or Lip.  _

_ It’s some fucking guy.Like I’m in a god damned fairytale or something, searching for Prince fucking Charming.  _

_ Mickey Milkovich as Prince Charming, there’s a hilarious mental picture.He’d gouge my eyes out for thinking it. _

_ But it worked, when I was a teenager.Mickey had my back. _

_ And now Trevor.That’s where I went, when I had no where else to go.He’s who I ran too.And it felt good.And mostly right.Just different.  _

_ That gives me hope, that I can be normal.  _

_ ——— _

_ I kind of feel like I’ve got my shit together. _

_ Lip’s coming to me for help.My job’s going great.I’m in a solid relationship. _

_ I wish I could drown out that niggling little voice in the back of my head that says it’s only a matter of time, enjoy it while it lasts. _

_ Gallaghers don’t keep their shit together for very long.And I’ve always seemed to be the worst at it. _

_ ——— _

_ Mickey’s back. _

_ Mickey’s back, and he wants me to run away to Mexico with him. _

_ I’m tempted to go. _

_ Because sleeping with Mickey - not just fucking, but the actual sleeping part, wrapping my arms around him, waking up with his back pressed to my chest, inhaling his scent - that felt like home.  _

_ ——— _

_ I went. _

_ I fucking went with Mickey. Got to the border. Almost crossed.  _

_ Because the truth is, I love Mickey Milkovich. Have since I was fifteen years old.  _

_ But I couldn’t go with him. I couldn’t be a fugitive. I couldn’t throw away my life, my family, the happiness I fought for tooth and bloody nail. _

_ Sometimes love isn’t enough.  _

_ That seems to be a reoccurring theme, between Mickey and me.Because I was wrong about him, when I said he didn’t know who I was, that he loved someone who didn’t exist. _

_ Mick’s always seen me.He accepted all the dark, dirty parts, without a second thought.The stuff that no one else could deal with.Mickey saw it all, loved it all. _

_ I wish it were enough.I think he gets it. _

_ At least he knows I love him, too.  _

_ ——— _

_ Fucking Monica. Fiona always called her Hurricane Monica, blowing back into our lives, twisting everything up, pummelling everything in her path, leaving a huge fucking mess behind. _

_ Now she’s dead, I’m not sure how to feel.I’m running on empty here.No Mickey, no Trevor. _

_ “She was fucked up, but I kind of liked her,” was what Trevor said.Trevor doesn’t even know how fucked up I am, how like Monica people think I am.  _

_ Is that what people will say about me some day?“Ian was fucked up, but I kind of liked him.” _

_ Jesus fucking Christ _

_ ——— _

_ My inheritance from Monica amounts to a pound of meth and some fucked up genetics. I really won the parent jackpot. _

_ So why do I miss her so much? _

_ ——— _

_ I don’t have a Prince Charming to run to this time. _

_ If I’d gone to Mexico, I’d have Mickey.If I’d never tried to go to Mexico, I’d have Trevor. _

_ Instead I’m getting blown by some fat fucking guy, and crying in his arms. _

_ Because I have nobody.Which is exactly what I deserve.  _

_ ——— _

_ Family first? Gallaghers against the world? _

_ Not according to Fiona the Cuntlord. _

_ She’s about to be hit by a level pettiness that is beyond her wildest imagination. _

_ Because I’m in fucking charge now. _

_ ——— _

_ There are churches out there trying to convert gay kids. _

_ Whole. Fucking. Churches. _

_ Trying to convince them that who they love is shameful.That THEY are shameful. _

_ These fucking parents. They’d rather see their kid commit suicide than suck another dude’s dick? _

_ My family might be screwed the hell up, but they never gave a shit that I was gay.Lots of kids don’t have home support.Trevor didn’t. Mickey didn’t. _

_ Guess what?I’m coming for them.I’m coming for them all, and I won’t rest until it’s over. _

_ ——— _

_ Gay Jesus? _

_ Fucking really Frank? _

———

_ You know, I’ve tried to play nice. _

_ Tried to spread a message of kindness.Love.Acceptance.Tried to educate people. _

_ But they are too fucking STUPID to understand.I need more than words.They aren’t sinking in, aren’t getting through the THICK SKULLS of the parents of these poor kids. _

_ Action.Action is what is needed.Actions speak louder than words, right? _

_ ——— _

_ GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY AND HE LOVES YOU GOD IS GAY _

———

_ Donors? Selfies? Van torchings? _

_ I’m out on bail for this? _

_ I was needed in lockup.I was helping.I wasn’t ready to leave.Prison was inspiring. _

_ This is getting out of fucking hand. _

_ ——— _

_ Why doesn’t God talk to me anymore? I’m listening for shim. _

_ ——— _

_ I’m not gay Jesus. So who the fuck am I? _

_ I don’t know anymore. _

_ ——— _

_ Just months ago I wrote Fiona off as a Cuntlord. And yeah, she can be controlling and bossy. She doesn’t listen, thinks her way’s the best way, the right way. _

_ I was wrong. It is family first with Fiona.How did I forget that? _

_ But I’m an adult now, not some young kid she’s gotta make sure gets to school. I need to make my own decisions.Maybe take responsibility for my own actions. _

_ She needs to stop writing off every crazy thing I do as a product of being bipolar.I am a fucking Gallagher, after all. We are notorious for fucking up our lives. _

_ ——— _

_ I keep wondering what my exes would tell me to do. I guess I’ve always tended to fall back on the opinions of my boyfriends. _

_ Trevor’d want me to protect the kids.I think he’d recommend I plead guilty, get a reduced sentence, not go to trial, and take responsibility.Sensible and noble, just like Trevor. _

_ Caleb would have run for the fucking hills.He was fine with my diagnosis when he heard it, but it’s another thing to live with it.He’d be long gone, probably hoping I’d plead not guilty so I’d be locked up longer and he wouldn’t have to deal with my crazy ass. _

_ Mickey...well, there’s no question what Mickey would say.He’d want me to split, meet him in Mexico.Leave it all behind. _

_ I still can’t do it. _

_ Mickey would know that.He’s always know me so well.Been there when I was at my worst.Held me when I was too sick to move, pieced me back together when I was breaking apart. Kept me alive when I thought I would die. _

_ Mickey’s fucking family.He’d want me to look after myself.He’d tell me to use the disease. _

_ ——— _

_ ‘What do you think brought on this latest episode?’ everyone wants to know. _

_ Oh, I don’t know. _

_ Seeing Mickey again.Kissing Mickey again.Fucking Mickey again. Losing Mickey again.  _

_ Monica dying.Out of my life, for good.No hope for an actual Mother. _

_ Breaking up with Trevor, the most selfless person I have even known. _

_ Couldn’t possibly be any of those minor life inconveniences. _

_ ‘But that all happened a while ago. You were doing so well.You had purpose.You were helping those kids.You got back together with Trevor.’ _

_ The problem is, I never know when I’m manic, until shit’s hit the fan and I’ve pulled another stupid stunt to land in serious hot water. _

_ I just feel good.Energized.Like I have fucking purpose.It just builds and builds and builds and builds... _

_ I never know until it’s too fucking late.Until I’ve stolen my boyfriend’s kid or blown up a van. It all makes perfect sense at the time. _

_ ——— _

_ One last night in my childhood home before prison. No big plans, just a greasy meal with my siblings, almost like any other evening. _

_ There are strangers here. Carl’s new girlfriend.Some famous old broad Lip’s babysitting.Gallagher strays, rounded up and brought into the fold, treated like family. _

_Then sharing a cigarette with Lip on the front steps, like old times. _

_ It’s oddly perfect.  _

_ Fuck I’m going to miss them. _

_ ——— _

_ So getting out of prison was actually...anticlimactic? _

_ The house is full of Mexicans, but not a Gallagher in sight.Parole officer is a fucking nightmare.Insurance fraud, for two fucking years?  _

_ I wish throwing parole to stay in prison with Mickey was still an option. _

_ ——— _

_ I remember being young and naive, and thinking that being married was the ultimate expression of love. _

_  
Then I watched the person I loved get married to someone else. Someone that raped him. Someone who was supposed to prove that he didn’t love me. _

_  
Maybe it’s harsh, to blame Mickey for that. I don’t, really. Not anymore. We were both just doing the best we could. We were two scared, fucked up kids. And I’d never really thought of what the future would hold, for me and Mick, before that sham of a wedding. It was a harsh realization, that I could love someone so much, and have nothing to show for it. _

_ I don’t know if that’s why I couldn’t sign the fucking paper at city hall.Maybe. Along with a load of other things.All the failed marriages I’ve seen.Frank and Monica, Fiona, Kash.The arguments Mick and I had in prison.The uncertainty of our futures. _

_ The belief that I don’t deserve it, can’t make anyone happy long term with this scrambled brain.  _

_ I asked Mickey why he loves me, how he’s so fucking sure, and he couldn’t give me an answer.But it’s not because he doesn’t.It’s because he loves me so much, he can’t find the words.And he wants me to love myself that much, too. _

_ You can’t love anyone until you love yourself. _

_ I used to think that about Mick, years ago, when he was full of self-loathing.He was such a fag basher.He would’ve beaten himself into a hospital or a grave, if he could have. _

_ I thought he’d never love me, until he loved himself. _

_ I was wrong.He loved me all along, and it probably made the hatred he felt for himself even worse.But he couldn’t be who I needed him to be, not when he could barely meet his own eyes in the mirror. _

_ And it’s the same for me.I’ve loved Mickey all along.Maybe since the tire iron.Definitely since Kash shot him.But I still don’t love myself enough to be the person he needs me to be. _

_ He says I’m enough for him, just as I am.Deep in my heart, I know it’s true.He’s proven it thousands of times in thousands of ways over the years.I’m the only person he’s ever dated.He fell in love, and never looked further. _

_ Now I just have to convince my brain to believe it. _

_ ——— _

_ Today I married my childhood sweetheart, my best friend. _

_ I have no fucking idea what’s in store. _

_ I could have an episode at any time.Find myself right back in bed, sleeping for days and then going for a 15 mile jog in the middle of the night. _

_ That shit used to be fucking scary.But with Mick by my side, I’m not scared. _

_ We make a good team. We always have.And even though Mickey would roll his eyes and call me a pussy for saying so, I know we can face and get through anything together. _

_ Maybe this is a fairytale, white trash style.Maybe I do get my happily ever after. _

******

Ian’s having a slice of pie at the kitchen table when Mickey walks in from his evening shift.He’s later than Ian expected, and he looks exhausted, eyes half closed and skin pale and waxy.

“You feeling ok?” Ian asks.

Mickey gives him a tired smile.Even wrung out, it changes his face, makes him look soft.“I had some reading to finish.Thought you’d be asleep.”

“I waited up for you,” Ian says, guileless. 

Mickey steps up behind Ian’s chair and wraps his arms around Ian’s shoulders.“You’re right,” Mickey mumbles into his skin as he presses his face into Ian’s shoulder.“You are a pussy.”

“What?” Ian says, twisting around in his chair and breaking the hug.

Mickey pulls the tattered notebook from his inner pocket where it was resting.Right over the tattoo.Right over his heart.He hands it over, studying Ian’s face as he does.Mickey could always make Ian feel wanted, with just a look.“As fucked up and damaged as we are, we do make a good team.And we can get through fucking anything.Normal is seriously overrated, and really fucking boring, Gallagher.”

Ian stands up, crowds into Mickey’s space.Mickey reaches out to grip Ian’s waist.Ian brings a hand to Mickey’s face, traces a finger from his temple to his jaw.He leans in, brushing Mickey’s lips with his, and whispers, “my Prince fucking Charming.”

“Happily ever after, Bitch,” Mickey says, before slotting their mouths together for the most fairytale princess kiss South Side has ever seen.


End file.
